Okay, common pregnancy myths literally tried to ruin my life and I’m still salty about it. Like, I’m sitting here in my sweaty Columbus apartment at 34 weeks, feet swollen like balloons, eating cold leftover Skyline Chili straight from the container because heartburn said “no spoons,” and I just need to scream this into the void.
Why Common Pregnancy Myths Made Me Lose My Damn Mind
Remember when my mother-in-law cornered me at the baby shower with “you’re carrying low, definitely a boy, and also don’t raise your arms above your head or the cord will wrap”? I smiled like a serial killer while internally googling Mayo Clinic umbilical cord facts. Spoiler: raising my arms to put away Target hauls didn’t strangle my kid. But I still did that awkward T-rex thing for weeks because anxiety is a bitch.
The “Eat for Two” Common Pregnancy Myth That Made Me Gain 65 Pounds
Y’all. I thought “eating for two” meant I could smash an entire Domino’s lava cake at 10 p.m. and call it “nutritional.” Turns out the second human is the size of a mango, not a linebacker. ACOG says 300 extra calories, not 3,000. My OB looked at my chart like I’d been stress-eating for the entire Buckeye state.
- I once ate nine tacos “for the baby”
- Baby weighed 7 lbs, the rest was me
- My thighs now have their own zip code
That Time Common Pregnancy Myths Told Me Heartburn = Hairy Baby
I had heartburn so bad I slept sitting up like a haunted Victorian doll. My cousin swore it meant the baby would come out with a full Justin Bieber 2011 haircut. My son was born BALD AS AN EGG. Zero hair. Not even eyebrows. Just a smooth little potato with my husband’s judgmental stare.
The Gender Myths That Deserve Their Own Circle of Hell
Carry high = girl. Craving sweets = girl. Round face = girl. I carried high, craved ice cream like a raccoon in a dumpster, and my face looked like a dinner plate. Ultrasound tech goes, “Congrats, it’s a boy!” I laughed so hard I peed. Again. Because bladder control is apparently another common pregnancy myth.
Things people guessed based on zero science:
- My acne = girl (wrong)
- My “glow” = boy (also wrong, that was sweat)
- The ring-on-a-string test = girl (ring lied)
Here’s March of Dimes straight-up saying shape of bump means nothing.
Don’t Even Get Me Started on the “Spicy Food Starts Labor” Lie
Week 39, miserable, waddling like a cursed penguin. TikTok told me spicy curry would yeet this baby out. I ate the hottest vindaloo in central Ohio. Result? Explosive diarrhea and zero contractions. My butthole filed a formal complaint. Baby stayed cozy until 41 weeks when they finally evicted him via c-section.
The One Common Pregnancy Myth I Kinda Wish Was True
“You forget the pain.” LOL no. I remember every second of that 36-hour labor like it was burned into my soul with a branding iron. But when they put that angry bald potato on my chest? Brain went full Windows restart. Still wouldn’t do it again sober.
Look, I’m not saying ignore your grandma completely—some old wives knew their shit—but maybe run the weird stuff by actual doctors? Or at least Google before you ban yourself from deli meat for nine months (turns out listeria risk is insanely low if you heat it up, mind blown).
Anyway, I gotta go cry in the shower because my nipples just leaked through another nursing bra. If you’re currently falling for these common pregnancy myths, just know you’re not alone and also you’re gonna be fine. Probably. Text me when you’re eating ice cream for dinner at 2 a.m.—we’ll start a support group.
Drop your dumbest pregnancy myth in the comments so we can roast it together. And if anyone says “sleep now because you’ll never sleep again,” tell them I said go step on a Lego.
