Pregnancy nutrition is legit just me guessing half the time and hoping the baby doesn’t come out craving taquitos. i’m sitting here in my ohio kitchen at like 11pm, feet up on a stool cuz they’re balloons, eating cold pizza off a paper plate bc dishes are for people with energy. woke up the other night—4:12 a.m. actually, phone says—convinced i’d die without a gas station hot dog. got one. ate it in the parking lot. zero shame. 29 weeks now (or 28? wait, let me check the app… yeah 28+3) and my brain is mush. anyway here’s the real shit i figured out, the stuff i screwed up, and the crap i still do even though i know better.
pregnancy nutrition wins: stuff i actually wanna eat
avocados. god. i buy like six at a time from aldi and pray two ripen at the same time. smash one on toast—gluten free bc wheat started hating me around week 10—drizzle that chili onion crunch stuff, crack an egg on top. i use a meat thermometer for the yolk bc i’m paranoid but also lazy so it’s usually still runny. whatever. my doc keeps yelling about leafy greens and i’m like yeah yeah but arugula tastes like grass unless it’s buried in ranch. trader joe’s bagged cruciferous mix + brianna’s asiago caesar = i feel like a health influencer for 30 seconds.
- greek yogurt + frozen blueberries + spoon of peanut butter. sometimes i just eat it with a fork bc spoons are in the sink.
- sparkling water with that mio caffeine squirt and a splash of pickle juice. sounds nasty. works tho.
- lentils in the slow cooker with whatever veggies are dying in the crisper. iron absorption or something idk i just know i don’t wanna take more pills.
ate a whole rotisserie chicken in the target parking lot last week. grease down my shirt. husband filmed it. i made him delete it. (he didn’t.)
pregnancy nutrition no-gos: the stuff i stare at and cry
soft cheese is my villain. had a full breakdown in whole foods over a $14 brie. like ugly cried next to the fancy crackers. deli meat? i microwave it till it’s sad and rubbery. sushi dreams every night but i settle for cooked california rolls bc mercury is scary and i can’t do math. wine. god. i miss two-buck chuck. sniffed my friend’s rosé at brunch and pretended i was fine.
- caffeine: 200mg max. i count every sip like a psycho. decaf is a lie.
- random herbs i googled at 3am: some are bad. stick to ginger or peppermint unless you want heartburn from hell.
- candy. skittles are not dinner. (but they were tuesday.)
ate unpasteurized feta at a baby shower and spiraled so hard my husband googled “feta fetus death” while i stress-ate saltines. still here. baby still kicking. probably fine.
pregnancy nutrition when you’re dead inside
quinoa on sunday. throw it in everything till thursday. frozen berries = no prep. bone broth with ginger bc my knees sound like rice krispies. air fryer is my ride or die—salmon in 7 mins, chickpeas that actually crunch, sweet potato fries i don’t have to peel. forgot them once. smoke alarm went off. dog thought it was the apocalypse.
tried a green juice thing off tiktok. puked for two days. never again.
pregnancy nutrition without selling a kidney
aldi avocados 89 cents on wednesdays. canned salmon > fresh. eggs. just eggs. costco generic prenatals taste like ass but they’re $12 for 300. name brand ones are chalk and lies.
meal prepped once. 17 containers of plain chicken. dog won that week.
anyway here’s the end of my pregnancy nutrition word vomit
i’m not a doctor just a puffy gremlin in ohio trying not to birth a pickle. eat colors. skip the raw regret. forgive the 2am gas station run. your body’s doing wild shit, give it a break. (if you see me sobbing over ice cream in kroger just keep walking.)
yo: send me your weirdest craving in the comments or whatever. i’ll tell you if i tried it. talk to your actual doctor tho, i’m just yelling into the void. now go nuke some turkey and call it dinner. or don’t. i’m not the boss of you.
