Alright look, early warning signs of heart disease are sneaky little assholes and I let them camp out in my body rent-free for way longer than I care to admit.
I’m literally typing this right now from my cluttered dining room table in northern Colorado, February snow turning to dirty slush outside, space heater humming because our furnace is acting up again, and I’m on my third black coffee even though I know caffeine is technically on the “maybe don’t” list now. Whatever.
That “Indigestion” That Wasn’t From the Taco Truck
For like a solid year I’d get this heavy squeezing right under my sternum after I’d smash a burrito or even just haul groceries up the front steps. I’d chug some Pepto, burp real loud, mutter “damn spicy food again” and keep it moving.
Newsflash from my cardiologist later: that burning pressure? Classic early warning sign of heart disease trying to wave a tiny red flag while I was busy ignoring it.
I used to joke with my brother-in-law over beers, “Bro my chest only hurts when I eat good food or walk too fast—must mean I’m living my best life.” He laughed. I laughed. My coronary arteries were not in on the joke.
Here’s some of the other crap I brushed off:
- Getting winded walking the dog two blocks (he’s 11 and basically naps on walks anyway)
- Feeling wiped out after like eight hours of sleep—like full-on “I got hit by a truck” tired
- This random ache that would shoot up into my neck and jaw sometimes, which I 100% blamed on my TMJ from clenching at work Zoom calls
Seriously thought it was just “getting older” or stress or whatever excuse felt easiest that day.
The Night My Wrist Vibrated Like It Was Mad at Me
February of last year I bolt awake at like 3 something in the morning feeling like someone parked a Prius on my chest. Sweaty, kinda dizzy, stomach flipping like I’d eaten bad gas station sushi. My Apple Watch is going nuts—buzz buzz buzz—Irregular Rhythm Notification.
I laid there for a minute thinking “eh it’ll pass,” then Googled it on my phone under the covers so I wouldn’t wake my wife. Classic moron move.
Kept getting those alerts maybe once or twice a week after that and I just… turned the notifications off. Because obviously turning off the warning means the problem goes away right? Right??
Early warning signs of heart disease don’t always hit like the movies. Sometimes it’s just this quiet “hey dude something’s kinda wrong” feeling that you can very easily talk yourself out of.
The Embarrassing List of Things I Gaslit Myself About
- Ankles swelling up like water balloons after standing at my kid’s weekend soccer games (blamed it on the $12 Walmart socks and too much Powerade)
- Heart doing that flip-flop fish thing while I’m literally just sitting there watching Stranger Things reruns
- Standing up too fast and the room does the fun little spinny thing — “low blood sugar, skipped breakfast, normal”
If this list is hitting a little too close to home… yeah maybe don’t wait until your wife catches you rubbing your chest while flipping pancakes and gives you the “we’re not doing this anymore” stare.
How I Finally Stopped Being a Complete Dumbass
She did. One Sunday morning she straight-up took my phone, dialed the cardiologist herself while I protested “it’s probably nothing babe,” and handed it to me like “talk.”
Couple weeks later I’m in a cath lab getting stents like it’s no big deal. Turns out there was some pretty ugly blockage going on. Caught it before the widow-maker version showed up, thank god (and thank my wife mostly).
I’m Still Figuring This Out and Probably Always Will
I take the stupid pills now. I walk more even when it’s freezing and I hate it. I try (keyword: try) to not slam three energy drinks before noon. But let’s be real—last week I still got a double cheeseburger at 10 p.m. because life is messy and I’m still human.
Point is, if you’re sitting there nodding along thinking “wait that’s kinda me”… don’t do the stubborn guy thing. Go get it checked. Tell your doc “my chest feels weird sometimes and I’m tired all the damn time.” They won’t laugh. They’ve heard way dumber.
And if your watch starts yelling at you at 3 a.m.? Maybe don’t just silence it and roll over.
That’s my unfiltered take. Take it or leave it—but hopefully take it a little.
(If you want the non-rambly version, the American Heart Association has a solid list here: https://www.heart.org/en/health-topics/heart-attack/warning-signs-of-a-heart-attack — way more professional than whatever this chaotic post is 😂)
