Preparing for labor is honestly the most insane thing I’ve ever googled at 3:17 a.m. while sitting on the toilet eating cold Taco Bell because heartburn said hello. I’m 39+4 today, my ankles look like overstuffed sausages, and my cat just judged me for crying at a diaper commercial, so yeah… I’m basically an expert now. Or at least an expert at panicking. Same thing.

Why Preparing for Labor Feels Like Prepping for the Apocalypse but With More Nipple Cream

I had this whole vibe planned. You know the one: cute matching labor gown, LED candles, playlist called “Zen Goddess Birth,” the works. Then reality slapped me with a contraction that felt like a charley horse in my uterus and I realized my birth plan was literally just the words “DRUGS PLEASE” written in Sharpie on a Starbucks napkin. I even laminated it. Still got coffee on it. Classic me.

Anyway, here’s the stuff that actually mattered when I was preparing for labor instead of just pretending I was gonna meditate my baby out like some crunchy influencer:

  • Packed 47 pairs of socks and zero underwear. Wore my husbands boxers for three days. They have tiny pineapples on them. Very dignified.
  • Thought I’d want “calming essential oils.” Ended up wanting Flamin Hot Cheetos and silence.
  • Downloaded three different contraction timer apps and used none of them because my phone died and I was too busy screaming to find a charger.
Swollen pregnant feet in mismatched holey socks, propped on hospital bag spilling nipple cream and Takis. 39 weeks nesting.
Swollen pregnant feet in mismatched holey socks, propped on hospital bag spilling nipple cream and Takis. 39 weeks nesting.

The Labor Tips I Actually Used (Instead of the Ones I Pinned and Forgot)

Perineal massage: did it exactly four times while watching Below Deck and eating ice cream straight from the tub. Felt like the weirdest spa day ever. My OB said it helped, or maybe she just felt bad for me. Either way, only tore a little. 10/10 would awkwardly rub coconut oil on myself again.

Also, dates. Everyone swears by eating six dates a day. I ate like nine because math is hard when you’re pregnant. Spent an entire night convinced I was in labor but it was just date-induced diarrhea. Don’t be me.

Breathing Techniques That Sound Dumb Until You’re Dying

Horse lips. Yeah, that’s the technical term. You blow out like a horse. I laughed at my doula when she taught me. Then I was on all fours in my kitchen at 2 a.m. doing horse lips while my husband timed contractions and tried not to laugh. It worked though?? Science is weird.

The Gear That Saved Me vs The Junk I Regret

Saved my life:

  • That upside-down peri bottle from Frida Mom. Hospital one sprayed like a drunk toddler.
  • Adult diapers. Yes really. Pads are for amateurs.
  • My birthing ball that I also used to reach the top shelf for hidden chocolate.

Complete waste of money:

  • The $80 labor gown that looked cute for exactly 4.2 seconds before it was covered in… fluids.
  • The fancy affirmation cards. Pretty sure one got used as a vomit receptacle.
Blurry mirror selfie: pregnant belly, expired coconut oil, LaCroix cans, dog toy. Caption: “Glamour? Never heard of her.”
Blurry mirror selfie: pregnant belly, expired coconut oil, LaCroix cans, dog toy. Caption: “Glamour? Never heard of her.”

Mental Prep? More Like Mental Breakdowns at Target

I had a full meltdown in the baby aisle because I couldn’t decide between two identical pacifiers. Sat on the floor and cried while eating pretzel bites. The Target employee brought me tissues. Iconic moment in my preparing for labor journey.

Also made the mistake of reading too many birth stories online. Pro tip: stay in the Facebook group echo chamber where everyone had 20-minute orgasms births, do NOT venture into the Reddit horror stories unless you want nightmares about prolapsed uteri (why do I know that phrase now).

Laminated birth plan, coffee-stained, sticky note screaming
Laminated birth plan, coffee-stained, sticky note screaming “EPIDURAL PLS”. Caption: Plans vs. reality, exhibit A.

Last Minute Chaos Tips From Someone Currently Timing Practice Contractions

  • Put your phone charger in the bag NOW. You’ll forget.
  • Tell your partner the safe word is “TACO.” Means shut up and get me ice.
  • Practice squats during TV commercials. My thighs were steel by week 38.
  • Accept that you might poop. Everyone does. The nurses have seen worse. Probably.

Look, preparing for labor is basically just accepting that you’re gonna be a hot mess and that’s okay. You’ll forget half your stuff, cry over dumb things, and probably threaten to divorce your partner at least twice. But then you get the baby and suddenly none of it matters (until they puke on you at 3am but that’s future you’s problem).

Drop your weirdest fear below, I need to know I’m not the only one who googled “can babies be born in the caul and also wearing sunglasses” at 4am. And subscribe if you want more of my unhinged pregnancy content, I’m clearly never sleeping again anyway.

(also sorry for any typos I’m typing this one-handed while eating cold nachos and my braxton hicks are being dramatic)

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